Happy Tuesday everyone, Last year I shared quite a number of messages from the book 'BOUNDARIES' you can check them out here. One of my favorite is this one; it's about respect,stop making excuses for the people in your life and their unacceptable behavior. It may be an issue with your life partner, a family member or a friend, learn to set boundaries and don't let anyone disrespect you.
Respect is a necessary
element for any couple to grow in love. Each person needs to feel that they are
respected by the person they are getting to know. This involves creating
boundaries in dating where both parties have esteem or regard for all aspects of
the other. Respect is different from empathy, though any relationship needs
both to be hand-in-hand.
Empathy is the ability
to feel another’s experience, especially painful ones. Respect is the ability
to value another’s experience. You may not be able to actually empathize with
someone, but you can always take a position of respect for them. For example, a
guy may restrain himself from pushing his girlfriend sexually for either
reason. He may feel deep compassion for the dilemma he is putting her in. Or he
may restrain himself because he respects her right to make her own moral
decisions. Relationships develop best when both empathy and respect are in
place.
When respect is
present, the other person feels that he can be free to be who he is. He can be
honest, and still feel connected and safe. He doesn't worry that he will be
attacked, humiliated, or treated poorly. When respect is absent, many people
will find themselves controlled, neglected, or injured by someone who doesn't
care about their needs or feelings.
If you desire to be
respected, you are not asking to be treated special. Respect is not worship. It
has more to do with being treated as you would like to be treated, which is
Jesus’ Golden Rule (see Matthew 7:12). It
means things like the following:
- Your opinion is heard and
valued.
- Your differences and
disagreeing are validated.
- Your choices are esteemed, even
the wrong ones.
- Your feelings are regarded.
- When you are wrong, you are
confronted respectfully, not talked down to nor babied.
Disrespect flourishes
when someone values their own desires above their date’s. They may not be
actively trying to hurt the other. Instead, the other person’s feelings,
freedom, or needs get trampled or ignored because of how intent their date is
on having their own way. Disrespect tends to be more self-centered than
malicious in nature, though that does occur also.
Building boundaries in
dating situations means that a couple needs to know that their feelings, needs,
and freedom are respected. When someone is uncomfortable in a sexual situation,
or is hurt by a sarcastic remark, or becomes angry with a broken promise, that
is a signal that something is going on. The other person needs to take those
feelings seriously. The couple needs to talk about what triggered this,
and solve the problem.
Disrespect may come
out in several ways, and it usually involves some violation of freedom in one
of seven ways:
1. Dominating: The other person won’t hear “no” from her
date. When he disagrees, she intimidates, threatens, or rages. She is offended
by her date’s freedom to choose. For example, a woman may want her boyfriend to
spend lots of time with her. When he tells her he’d prefer to do other things,
she may disrespect his freedom by becoming angry and telling him their
relationship will be jeopardized.
2. Withdrawal: One person pulls away when the other
exercises some freedom or difference. He may isolate, sulk, or be silent. But
he is passively punishing his date for her differentness. For example, a woman
might want to go out with the girls on a night that her boyfriend wants to be
with her. While he doesn't complain, he also doesn't call or talk to her for a
while. He is showing her that he doesn't respect her freedom.
3. Manipulating: One person shows disrespect by subtle
stratagems designed to make the other person change his mind. A woman may cry
or nag to get her boyfriend to help her paint her apartment when he doesn't
have the time.
4. Direct violation: The person disrespects by continuing the
same hurtful action, even after being asked not to. A man might chronically
cancel dates at the last moment. Even though she tells him how much this
bothers her, he keeps doing it.
5. Minimizing: One person says the other person’s negative
feelings are simply an overreaction.
6. Blaming: A man talks about a problem, but the woman
indicates that he himself caused the problem. For example, a man will tell his
girlfriend that it hurts when she makes fun of him in public. She might respond
with, “If you would pay more attention to me, I wouldn't have to resort to
that.”
7. Rationalizing: The other person denies responsibility for
whatever caused the problem. For example, the chronically late date excuses the
hurt his girlfriend feels by saying, “I understand your feelings, but it was
the freeway traffic, not me.”
Respecting someone
doesn't mean that you agree with them. Nor does it mean that you will comply
with what they want. It means that their feelings matter because those emotions
belong to a person who matters. Listen to, understand, and try to help the
situation.
If your feelings,
time, opinion, or values are not being respected, you need to take some sort of
action. You may need to end your silence and bring up the issue. You may need
to bring it up as a serious issue, not to be put off. You may need to set
consequences on the event happening again. That’s what boundaries in dating is
all about.
I knew a woman whose
date was always having fun at her expense when they went out with friends.
Finally, she started driving a separate car to the events so that she could
leave when he got disrespectful. It took only a few occurrences of this for him
to see that she was serious, and things got better.
Thank you for reading.
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