LIFE

MONDAY INSPIRATION

19-Dec-2014

Why unhealed people attract unhealthy relationships

Unhealed relational wounds drive us to compulsive attempts to repair the damage. That is, without being aware of it, we seek out people we believe can “fix” what’s wrong with us or help us find a piece of ourselves we feel is missing. We function emotionally like the starving man who looks in a dumpster and sees lunch instead of garbage. His perception is so driven by his need that he is willing to eat something that might make him sick.

Though we may not be aware of it, something in us wants completeness. God has “set eternity in the human heart” (Ecclesiastes 3:11), and we long for him and the full life he promises. But if we remain unaware of the powerful forces at work within us, such as our family dynamic and how we responded to it, we can be blind to its influence and seek out the completeness we lack by making all the wrong choices. For example, consider the following scenarios:

• The overly nice person lacks assertiveness and the ability to confront, so he attracts controlling and aggressive people.
• The overly angry person can’t allow herself to feel helpless or sad, so she finds empathic people who won’t confront her moods.
• The rigid, black-and-white person is not able to let go of control, so he seeks out spontaneous, creative people who won’t try to control him.
• The over-responsible, guilt-ridden person lacks self-care, so she finds self-absorbed people who care for no one but themselves.

Of course, the problem is that these kinds of responses do not reflect God’s intentions for us. And they don’t lead to healthy or fulfilling connections.

These missing pieces are part of what is called the “internalization process.” We become who we are by incorporating experiences that we have with other people. On a developmental level, kids come into this life incomplete. 

In the process of healthy development, they receive safety and acceptance and develop assertiveness, self-control, and self-care that prepare them for life on their own. Once internalization is complete, we become functioning adults who are called to pursue wholeness; or, in Jesus’ words, “What I’m saying is, Grow up. You’re kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity” (Matthew 5:48).

What Jesus means is that he wants us to be mature and complete. But we are not complete. We have missing pieces—soul holes we carry from childhood into adulthood. The path to completeness or wholeness is to find a relational context, such as a healthy church, small group, mentor, or therapist, who can help us finish the emotional work that enables us to grow into the capacities we lack and become who we are meant to be.

This is especially important in romantic relationships, where there is often a glitch in our emotional hardware. We feel strongly that the other person will complete us, but not in the way I am describing. It is not about becoming more connected, intimate, assertive, or real. It is about being in the presence of someone else who has those attributes without having to take responsibility to learn them.

“You complete me” is a great line from the movie, “Jerry Maguire,” but it doesn’t work in real relationships. You can’t outsource health. You must learn it all and take it inside your skin. Complete people then attract other complete people. That is why most of us need to put less energy into romance and more into personal growth. It pays off later in romance.

Understanding your missing pieces also pays off in other ways. Perhaps your concern isn’t about a marriage or dating relationship. It may be that the difficult relationship you need to address is with your parents, siblings, or a person from your childhood. Or it’s about a work relationship. Whatever your interest, you will find great benefit, in looking at the missing pieces, to understanding why things ended up like they did. The more information, the better for you.

Don’t let unhealed relational wounds or the pain of a past relationship affect your future. You can prevent the past from repeating itself. 

I have had a crazy week, with a lot on my desk, so i didn't get to share what I had on Monday, but here goes another message from Dr. Cloud. After a year of reading one 'Boundaries' devotional after another, I must say I am a better person than I was and I aspire to be better than I was the day before. I have learned to set boundaries in all my relationships and it's not just I who is happy but the people in my life are too. We relate better and its amazing how our relationships have grown this year. I hope as I share them with you you are absolutely inspired. You can get the BOUNDARIES book here

Thank you so much for visiting my blog. I hope you are inspired by this message from Dr. Cloud. See you next Monday.

8-Dec-2014

The Two Types of Liars Colossians 3:9–10 – “Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.” The ability to build a healthy relationship is based on the degree to which you are able to be clear and honest about everything, especially in a dating situation. Sometimes, people will deceive each other about the nature of other people in their lives. They may act like someone is “just a friend,” when in reality there is more of a history or more in the present than is being said. For example, I (Dr. Cloud) was working with a man named Frank who was trying to figure out his relationship with the woman he was dating. He had a funny feeling that something was wrong. It seemed that she was just a little too connected to her work. Frank had no problem with her loving her job, but there was something strange about her relationship with her boss. He did not think that she was dating him, or having any kind of illicit thing going on with him. But, he still got a funny feeling about her work and her connection with her boss. Finally, Frank found out that his girlfriend had once been engaged to her boss. And, there was still some sort of continuing tie between them. But, as far as he had known, it was strictly a work relationship. Instead, she had been lying to him. Frank felt horribly deceived, and from there the relationship went downhill. It did not falter because she worked with a former boyfriend, but because she had not been clear about the nature of her former relationship with her boss. Frank could sense some sort of tie that she was not owning up to. Later, when some other issues came up where she had not been clear with him, the relationship died. If she had not been deceptive about the former boyfriend, the later issues would not have been a big deal. But, once a pattern of lying starts, trust is difficult to reestablish. Why do people lie, and how can you set appropriate boundaries? In our opinion, there are really two categories of liars. First, there are liars who lie out of shame, guilt, fear of conflict or loss of love, and other fears. They are the ones who lie when it would be a lot easier to tell the truth. They want to be honest, but for one reason or another, cannot quite pull it off. They fear the other person’s anger or loss of love. Second, there are liars who lie as a way of operating and deceive others for their own selfish ends. There is no fear or defensiveness involved, just plain old lying for love of self. You will have to ask yourself if you want to take the risk and do the work if you are with the first type. There are people in the first category who have never had a relationship where they felt safe enough to be honest, and they tend to still be hiding. So, they lie to preserve love, or preserve the relationship, or avoid being caught in something because of guilt or shame. They are not really dangerous, evil characters, and sometimes when they find someone safe, they learn to tell the truth. This is a risk that some people want to take after finding out that deception has occurred. They hope that the person will be redeemed by the grace and love that they offer and will shoot straight with them from then on. While we would not automatically recommend continuing a dating relationship with this kind of person, sometimes there is a good outcome. So, we do not want to make a rigid rule. But, our feeling is that dating is not a place for you to rehabilitate people. Rehabilitation should occur in that person’s counseling, recovery, discipleship, or some other context. For one thing, dating can become serious when your heart gets involved, and it may even lead to marriage. Just because the person is lying out of fear does not make it acceptable, and serious devastation can occur even with fearful liars. No matter what the reason, lying destroys. By and large, the best policy is to stay away from those who lie for any reason. Spend your time and heart on honest people. It is often too risky, from our perspective, to get involved with the fearful liar. If the person gets better and comes back repentant, that is one thing. But, you should not think that you are going to be the one who changes him or her if defensive lying is an ongoing pattern. There are some people who do this on occasion and confess it, and probably can be trusted over the long haul. But, patterns of this type are problematic. Whatever you decide to do, whether you stick in there or not, make sure that you do not go further until the lying issue is forever and certainly in the past. Remember the words of the wise instructor: Do not go on to other issues until the lying is solved. The second kind of liar is a definite no-go. Tell him or her good-bye and save yourself a lot of heartache. Perpetual liars are not ready for a relationship, no matter how much you are attracted to him or her. Run, run, run! A footnote: After Frank ended the relationship with his girlfriend, she soon was back with her former boyfriend. I told my client I thought he was lucky to have escaped her. Thank you so much for visiting my blog. I hope you are inspired by this message from Dr. Cloud. See you next Monday. A blessed week to y'all.

1-Dec-2014
     I Just Don’t Have the Time

Conduct yourselves wisely toward outsiders, making the most of the time (Colossians 4:5, NRSV).

Time management is a dreaded and often ignored spiritual discipline. We choose where to invest our time, carefully planning everything from work-related meetings and lunch appointments to play dates and trips to the grocery store - but fail to schedule the most important activity of all, spending time with God. Discipline carves out time to sit at His feet.

Sin thrives in an out-of-control life, a life without godly discipline. Temptation happily dances across overcrowded schedules. Our minutes, hours, and days are precious commodities, gifts from God that can be unwrapped only once. We can become so busy meeting the needs of others that we destroy ourselves in the process. I cannot tell you how many women I know who have given themselves away for so long that there is nothing left to give. Marriages fail, children rebel, and homes crumble because flawed priorities dictate wrong living.

I know what it is like to rush headlong through pointless days, trying to prove my worth. For many years, I was busy doing good things … some might even say great things … but they were not the highest things for my life. I crashed and burned, landing in a pit of clinical depression, a monument to my insecurity.

From the bottom of that pit, it was easy to see just how skewed my perspective of time really was. I had poured years into making my plans successful only to discover that God resources and empowers His plan alone. It was painfully obvious that I needed an attitude adjustment, an eternal perspective kindled by godly discipline. I needed to understand that my time does not belong to me, but is a treasure on loan to me from God. He wanted me to understand that He was calling me to work from His love and acceptance – not to it!

Every plan, priority, and goal must be held against the backdrop of eternity because it is from that backdrop that our priorities are validated, our calling confirmed, and our time best invested.
Godly priorities embrace God’s plan.

I am convinced that much of our frustration in life comes from doing things we were never intended to do. We create the plan as we go instead of resting in God’s plan. Discipline guides each step and establishes a basis for obedience and success in our walk with God.

I am certainly no expert in the area of discipline, but I do want to share some simple ideas that work for me.

Prepare 
Just as we budget our money, we must budget our time. Every day, we are presented with twenty-four hours, and every day we must choose to either spend those hours or invest them. Every Sunday afternoon, I do three things – write devotions, finish my online Bible study, and plan the week ahead. I assign tasks to each day and prioritize those tasks in order of importance. That’s the easy part. The hard part is sticking to the plan, but getting a head start offers a greater chance for success. Schedule one day a week to plan. The preparation will pay off.

Prioritize
If we don’t set priorities - others will. Time thieves will steal the hours and days as we allow them to impose their plans and demands on us. While it is true that different women have different priorities in different seasons of life, it is also true that one priority remains steadfast. “Seek ye first the kingdom of God” (Matthew 6:33, NIV). Once that priority is firmly established, the rest of life will fall into place.

Eliminate 

Learn to leave the “lesser” things undone. This lesson is especially hard for me because I actually believe I can do it all. The key to godly discipline and right priorities is learning what my “all” is, and then doing all of that. My trusty “Superwoman” cape is never far away. It is a constant battle for me to ignore the presence of that cape. Choosing to embrace and employ God’s priorities instead of mine is a battle definitely worth fighting. Godly discipline brings a holy scrutiny to priorities and perspectives.

Delegate
Include every family member in the work and include every family member in the play. The concept of “team” is essential to every successful family. A chore is not just a random assignment. It says, “You are an important part of this team. We need you.”

Simplify 
Give up on perfection. It is meant for heaven ... not earth. I love the Amish saying, “The further we get from simple things, the further we get from God.” Jesus was born in sparse simplicity, a manger instead of a mansion. His teachings were simple enough for a child to understand. We often overlook profound simplicity in search of hollow complexity, foolishly thinking that bigger is always better. When it comes to investing time, we need to employ simple godly discipline.

Yield
My greatest mission field is my home, my marriage, and my children and grandchildren - easy words to write, but a hard truth to apply. It does not matter how much I do or how successful I am in ministry. If home and family are left with only the scraps of my time, energy, and emotions, I am walking in sin and disobedience. Discipline does not come naturally or easily. We will surely fail, but we can always begin again. Join me today in a new commitment to cultivate, apply, and relish godly discipline.

This is an extract from 'Girlfriend in God' by Mary Sutherland. I sure hope it has been a great devotional. Thank you so much for reading.

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